The Brazilian Husband Of The American Writer

Felipe lived in Indonesia when he met Elizabeth Gilbert, author of the book “Eat, Pray, Love” - a best-seller already translated into 30 languages. Their meeting and the beginning of the loving relationship happened before this book had been published. Why did I bring him here? For two reasons: first, the simple pleasure of knowing of a Brazilian man living the special experience of being the admired and loved   husband of a celebrated writer. I myself feel odd thinking of it, valuing such kind of an event…. But it’s the truth. The second reason is to recognize that Felipe’s loving statement to Elizabeth could be the basis of a psychology class: simple, straight-forward, full of wisdom.

Felipe came up at excerpts from the new book by Elizabeth Gilbert, “Committed”, printed in Oprah Magazine (January 2010). The book is a “meditation about marriage” and there Elizabeth Gilbert reflects on herself, her limitations in loving relationships, the “reasons” that drove her to love Philip, the warnings she gave him about her most dangerous failings in a relationship. He also made his list. Very interesting. Their honesty is touching, something not often seen in our Latin culture, I think.

Felipe made a loving statement  through a personal narrative. After finishing her list of flaws, Elizabeth asks if he stills loves her. He answers yes. How could that be? She had told so many “bad things” about herself… Then Philip tells her about the time when he started to negotiate precious gems in Brazil. He always felt very enthusiastic whenever he found one or two aquamarines in a package that was offered him to buy. He did not pay attention to the “trash” that came together. And so he did get in trouble because of it. Until he finally learned to ignore the perfect gems. He shouldn’t even look at them. He had to put them aside and carefully look at the bad ones. And only then honestly ask himself: Can I work with these ones? “It’s the same thing with relationships”, he says. “People fall in love for the most perfect aspects of the other’s personality. But this isn’t smart. The most intelligent thing to do is to ask yourself: Can I accept the failings of the other? Can I honestly look at the faults of my partner ? And once more ask: can I deal with them?” Because it’s very easy to get enchanted by people’s brightness, by their special charm to say and to do certain things. Who wouldn’t be delighted by these great things? But to accept - from the bottom of the heart and not as a mere concession or resignation - , the failures and boredom of the other … oh, this is another story.

 I enjoyed Felipe’s analogy very much. In a simple yet consistent way, he showed an aspect of love relationships which we usually underestimate: looking at “what isn’t good” of the “package” that we all are helps a lot to build up a solid intimacy - , nonetheless deprived of brightness, humor, imagination and enchantment.